Be an amazing tree...

wow. It has been months and months since I last wrote a blog. So much has happened since then that I can't even begin to describe-things I never thought would happen, things I never wanted to happen.

I have said this so many times... I feel like everything has just been turned upside down. I've never seen myself as unstable, or unpredictable... but I'm starting to think that may have been the case in the past. I'm so sorry friends for having to put up with me in all of my many moods. It just seems like life is a serious roller coaster... and I hate roller coasters. Well, actually I've never been on one. I know it's not realistic to think that I should have it all completely together and know exactly what I want for my future, but sometimes I just wish I had a better grip on things.

On April 24th my papa passed away. I don't really want to get into this, and maybe it will be for another blog when he is on my mind, but the 24 of April will always be remembered for this.
On May 24th an incident happened that I never thought I would EVER be in.
So, you can see this pattern and how I was kinda scared about June 24th. I had been joking about this day and saying that I was wondering what could possibly happen... and deep down I think I was serious. I really needed a good day. Desperately.

I hate valleys. I hate the low times. I hate feeling pathetic for throwing pity parties. And, I hate getting out of those low times and looking back and seeing the problem and the SOLUTION hit me right in the face.... and knowing it was right there all alone; never leaving, never forsaking.

Anyways, I'm sure you want to know how June 24th turned out.?? Well, it was a great day. A tough and great day. I love those days where it seems like you have learned so much that you are pretty much exhausted. It was one of those days. The day started out with a road trip. No car problems, flat tires and such, no sun burns, no sickness... nothing went wrong. It was a relief.

Then I went to church. I didn't really want to go. I haven't really wanted to do anything lately, espescially involving other people. I have been getting really angry lately and mad for no reason at all. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I just felt like I failed, and I was just sitting and going no where. I wanted to overcome this, and I knew I that I would... but, I didn't really want to put any effort into getting out of my rut.

The guy that spoke on Wednesday night talked about fruit. I was pretty sure I know a lot about fruit. I know that I have heard it a hundred times. I know that I never take what I think I know and apply it to my life and change. I know I didn't want to be there learning that I need to get things together.

#1 So, picture a tree for me. A dead, brown, lifeless tree. This has been me lately. Not wanting to grow, not wanting to have any fruit.

#2 Picture a pretty green tree. Huge branches, beautiful leaves. This is me when I feed myself. This is me when I have things together. I'm growing and thriving. So, I thought what do I feed myself with? What makes me grow? I thought about spending time with God. Reading my Bible. Quite time to listen. I love God. I also love my Mom. How would she know that I loved her if I never told her? If I never talked to her? If I never spent time with her? I need to spiritually feed myself everyday in order to stay at this beautiful tree stage.

#3 Picture an amazing, beautiful, green tree. With lots of fruit. This tree has so much fruit that the fruit is just falling off onto everything. I have also been this tree. I was feeding myself and growing. I was producing fruit and I was happy. I wanted things that had nothing to do with me and my desires. I had a clear picture of the big picture, even though I had no idea how things were going to happen.

I don't want to go back and forth between the trees. I want to be fruitful. I never knew why I was feeling anger and all sorts of emotions that I never felt, but I knew that my fruit had died. My leaves had fallen, and my green was now brown. To call myself out was horrible. To own up to it was even worse. But, June 24th I was taught about fruit for the 100th time. On June 24th I put that teaching into action.

My advice for the day is this.. Own up to your mistakes. Forgive the ones who do you wrong.

Galations 5:22-23 [Fruit of the Spirit]

The Motions...

So, I've been holding onto this song as a soundtrack to my life right now. This song is so deep and so true to how I'm living life. I look back and almost everything I ask what if I have given everything? How would I be different? Would I have impacted someone's life? Where would I be now? Well, I'm trying to live better. I'm trying to do more. This song just completely puts into words how I feel.

The Motions: Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,At least I'll be feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life'

Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way
(take me all the way)
take me all the way
('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way
(I know I'm finally feeling something real)

I KNOW I'M FINALLY FEELING SOMETHING REAL- Katie

I wear your name on my heart...

So, I got a bracelet from my best friend yesterday.

She got it in my favorite color.
She had inscribed her name on a heart charm on the bracelet.
She put an amazing scripture on the back of that heart.
And.. She got her one just like it... with my name on her heart.


There is another little place that has the word "dream" on it. And honestly, I couldn't think of a better gift, or a better friend.

I had a best friend in high school. A few of them actually. There was this one amazing girl who I called my "best friend". We did almost everything together. Her birthday was a couple of days ago and I started to remember certain things that have gone on in our lives. I loved just hanging out with her. She was different then me, and we usually had our own adventures. I could be my complete self around her. Well, a tradegy happened and it destroyed things. I can never say I know how she felt, or I understood her pain... I can't. I had no clue how to deal with that situation. All I knew is that it broke my heart to see her in pain, and I would have done anything to make that pain go away for her. I loved her as if she had been a part of my family; a sister. I haven't had a real conversation with her for about 2 years now. When I see her I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I have missed her.

We went to college and have done our seperate things, and I can honestly say that we don't even know each other anymore.

After this, it was extremely hard for me to let people get as close to me as she had been. These walls have managed to stay up for a long time, and I was beginning to think that I would never have close friendships again.

But all of that changed. I know have a friend that loves me for who I am. We are complete opposites, but it just works out.. in the most amazing way.

I have great friends. And I sincerely thank God for each and every one of them.

New life, starting now...

I think it's about time for a new blog. I'm sorry that I have been selfish enough to deprive all of you guys... haha. Anyways, I don't think I could put in words how the last month or so has been. It's been trying, but great; Long, but so short. Oh, and nothing to contradict itself. I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately, and if you know anything about me, I love to be around people. It's been a time just to reflect on my life and decide to make better and different decisions. I know people always say that January is always a great time to start fresh, but it's so true. I moved home not too long ago, and as uncomfortable as it may have been, I know it was the right thing to do. I was scared and unsure of what was going to happen. Was I going to find a job? Was I going to like my new church..? and the scariest question of all was that was I going to have any friends here. Well it's been about two months since I left and everything seems to still be dragging along. I'm trying though. I had to go back to work at my old high school job. I've worked there for about 4 years of my life, and it was great to have work, but a huge part of me felt as if I was taking a trip back to my past. I can't believe how much I'm still living in my past.

What better time then this to start again.

and that's my advice.