Great love...

I doubt I can make it through this blog without crying...

I went to the nursing home yesterday to visit my grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and wasn't feeling too well yesterday. I really do not like nursing homes... at all. It's hard for me to just be there. I have seriously broken down right in the middle of the building, many times. I feel bad for my grandpa. I feel bad that he has lived a long life and that this horrible disease has consumed him. He is still the same person; he still has that cute smile... but he simply just forgets. He was really frustrated yesterday because he couldn't make out a complete sentence. It was very difficult to sit here and look at a man who has been there for me basically helpless. He can't do anything on his own, but yet he has always taken care of so many others. [Ok, this is where I start crying]

[p.s. Little Debbie... One thing I love you is your passion for Older people. You are amazing.]

My grandma is great. She is so funny sometimes. She is the stereotype of an older woman, with barely anything positive to say, but she loves me... She wakes up, runs a few errands and then goes to be with my grandpa. She just sits there until he goes to supper then she goes home. She hasn't been able to sleep in a bed for quite some time now. She just falls asleep in her recliner to the sound of the tv. I can't imagine what it must be like to fall asleep alone after so many years of having my grandfather next to her. I wonder what it's like to not have your man and protector around, and the roles switched.

I'm thinking about all of this while in my grandpa's room when I walk outside...

There was a husband visiting his wife and he had just brought her back from a day at the salon. She was in a wheelchair and unable to speak. He was gently rubbing her face and every single person that walked by he would softly say, "doesn't my wife look great? isn't she glorious?"

By this point, there is no way I can keep in my tears. He completely loves her, cherishes her... and keeps her. Even when their loves can not remember, see, walk, hear.... their love remains.

This is the greatest example of great love as I could write it. I can't wait for my great love to come... but I will wait.

Advice for the day: Don't settle for just anyone, hold out for your great love.

Little secrets of love...

Today I cleaned. I moved about 3 weeks ago back home, and today I was still unpacking. I have moved so much lately, and I can honestly say that I haven't stayed and slept at the same place for a week straight in probably 5-6 months. Not in the same bed for a week straight. I began to think as I was alone today. Am I running away from something? Am i scared to get too comfortable? What is going on... Do I really think that God calls me away when I really start to call somewhere home... All of these questions meshed well with my sorting and organizing. If you know me well enough you know that I can bored very quickly. As soon as I lose interest in something I leave. I thought about this quality of mine and tried to incorporate it with my staying problem. Is it the adventure that I love; the new places- new faces. Or is it that I'm scared.

After a while of thinking... silently. I remembered how great it felt to just be silent. s-i-l-e-n-t.

It then hit me how much I love to think about others. I love to help people, helping is something that just shows me I'm needed... I think that is something we all need... to be needed.
I love when people come to me to talk... I honestly love to just listen to people... give my advice if needed, but mainly just listen to them. I love to love people. It makes me feel complete inside... when I can love others.. and know that I am loved.

Then I came back to me... and there it hit me.

I hate to focus on myself... then my imperfections begin to show. There is so much of me that I need to fix, so much that I need to look at. Most of all, there is so many things that I need to repair. When something happens, I just leave the pieces there. And today those pieces started to poke me. I was uncomfortable going inside to look at these things. I realized how much easier it is for me to focus on others, to help others, to listen, and mostly to love them... then it is myself. Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way, and I do love myself. I would just rather love someone else sometimes...

I need to rest.. as my cute friend said.. and focus on me...
I need to find those "katie" things and make them stronger.

My advice today is go throughout the day and say good things that you like about yourself... Don't feel conceited, and especially do no feel like you aren't worth it. You ARE.

I'll go first.
I like my lips... [weird, but it's true]
I like that I'm tall...
I like that my eyes are green, and when I cry they turn the prettiest deep color.
I like my laugh... [when I can control it.. but what fun is that?]


Just tell yourself things... little secrets that you love about yourself. You're worth it.

Laugh today...

Sigh... Tonight was awesome.

I got to see my friend Jessica, and my CSF friends. I moved about 3 weeks ago, and it was a tearful goodbye... I haven't missed a weekend seeing them yet.. I just can't stay away. =)

I was so happy tonight. I wish I could capture this feeling and keep it. Like how some people can vegetables??? I could [can] this emotion, and open the mason jar when I needed to smile.

I also love a great text message... way too sweet.

This is just short and sweet I guess.

My advice for the day is simple- Laugh today. Not the little giggle, or forced laugh when someone tells a joke and you have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.. I'm talking about the real laughter... that physically hurts if you do it too much. Hang out with some friends, watch random youtube videos, make someone tickle you if you have too... [kinda awkward] But, whatever the case..

Just laugh.

Break from reality...

I'm pretty stressed out right now... I'm so excited for what has been going on, just stressed.. I don't get stressed out like most people... It rarely ever happens and I don't show it very well... I usually just shut down and it looks like I'm really calm, but inside... that's a different story. Right now my mind is like a hectic race track; so many thoughts [cars] going around, and around, and around...........

uhgg. ok.. 1...2....3...4.... b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Better..

I saw High School Musical 3 tonight... [Senior Year]...
I began to feel jealous of the characters. My high school years were nothing near a musical. After these feelings passed, I couldn't help but smile.. Sometimes in disbelief of.. oh.. here comes another song, but mostly, I smiled just because it felt good. It wasn't a high school filled with sex, passing drugs in the hallway, kids being bullied, popularity battles.. it was a school filled with song.. I would give up realistic high school anyday for the halls of East High... My 12 year old sister was grinning from ear to ear, any second about to break up into song... I hope she wasn't thinking that this was what high school was really like.. I wanted to tap her and say hey.. girl.. don't be happy.. this is lying to you. But, why break the fantasy. I was so troubled that we were acting happy about unrealistic life. And, I soon regretted this when we walked out of the theater, and started talking about bills, and car problems.. and the irritating bickering began... How much I wanted my life at the moment to be a musical.

So, my advice for today is obvious... take a break from reality.. chill out on the couch, and watch a fantasy.. musical.. something you know isn't real; but, with all of your heart, wished it was.

Smell of happiness...

I moved yesterday... To a place I used to call home... I seriously have no idea where that is right now.. home. My life is like a huge ride right now. I have no idea where I will be next, and I guess that's ok. God is changing so many things in my life right now, including me... I keep on asking when we I get settled somewhere, but I have a feeling that it might not be for a while. That makes me remember how I need to really focus on today instead of tomorrow or 2 years from now. How can I live for today, if all I think about is the future? Today is my first day here. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited... Those are all things that I really don't like to feel.. They make me feel like I'm not in control of my own life.. but then I remember that I'm not in control of my life at all.. I will keep everyone posted about what is happening.

I can't help but smile when I go outside. This is my absolute favorite time of the year. Me and my grandpa used to walk around during the falltime, and one year I can remember us walking and picking up our favorite leaves.. It's almost like I can still smell that day. I can still smell the leaves.

So, my advice for the day... Go outside.. and be silent.. And pick up your favorite leaf or two.. and keep it.. press it in a book.. and always remember that day; remember the smell of happiness.

Transition and transformation...

It's been a while since I have wrote a blog.. I know you guys are going to be THRILLED that I'm back.. So, this is just going to be around transition and transformation. My life is completely consumed of the two. Transition: when I say that word I immediately get a little freaked out. I think about my life, my choices, my lack of motivation... and get scared. When I get scared I freeze. I honestly can not move. As a child I was scared of everything... every single thing. Just to show you the extent of this fear: If I went to school and it rained I would have to go home, or call my mom. I was so scared that the rain would lead to a tornado and my family would die. I wanted to make sure I could say goodbye and that they were safe. All because of rain.. Little rain drops that I thought were going to kill my family. I was also scared to go for a walk or bike ride by myself.. I was scared that a random dog would attack me. [I was attacked as a child, so there is some justification for this one]... The list goes on and on.. Fear was in charge of my life. Being scared was always on my mind, and it blocked what I was trying to accomplish.

Today: I think about how far I have come in my life. The fact that I sing in front of people, or talk to strangers and feel comfortable, be on a greeting team, speak in public, ORDER FOOD from a restuarant... are all HUGE examples of how God has delivered me from fear. I'm still working on this.. and it has been so relieving. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I want God to direct my life.. not fear.

I love my friends.. they are constantly pulling me out of my shell, and out of this fear bubble that I have been living in. Thank you guys.. but take it easy on me =)

So, my advice for the day is: DO SOMETHING CRAZY; Dye your hair, get a tattoo, stay up late, go for a jog..

Hold on...

So, the entire month of September was one huge test for me. I struggled to hold onto anything that felt familiar to me. I was scared of change. I was scared to let go of things and to receive what God wanted to give me. I heard this song that really touched me the other day. The lyrics are beautiful as well as the melody. I finally feel like I'm seeing the fruit of change.. good change.

So my advice for the day is if you're needing a hand to hold..
Listen to Hold On by 33 Miles