Be an amazing tree...

wow. It has been months and months since I last wrote a blog. So much has happened since then that I can't even begin to describe-things I never thought would happen, things I never wanted to happen.

I have said this so many times... I feel like everything has just been turned upside down. I've never seen myself as unstable, or unpredictable... but I'm starting to think that may have been the case in the past. I'm so sorry friends for having to put up with me in all of my many moods. It just seems like life is a serious roller coaster... and I hate roller coasters. Well, actually I've never been on one. I know it's not realistic to think that I should have it all completely together and know exactly what I want for my future, but sometimes I just wish I had a better grip on things.

On April 24th my papa passed away. I don't really want to get into this, and maybe it will be for another blog when he is on my mind, but the 24 of April will always be remembered for this.
On May 24th an incident happened that I never thought I would EVER be in.
So, you can see this pattern and how I was kinda scared about June 24th. I had been joking about this day and saying that I was wondering what could possibly happen... and deep down I think I was serious. I really needed a good day. Desperately.

I hate valleys. I hate the low times. I hate feeling pathetic for throwing pity parties. And, I hate getting out of those low times and looking back and seeing the problem and the SOLUTION hit me right in the face.... and knowing it was right there all alone; never leaving, never forsaking.

Anyways, I'm sure you want to know how June 24th turned out.?? Well, it was a great day. A tough and great day. I love those days where it seems like you have learned so much that you are pretty much exhausted. It was one of those days. The day started out with a road trip. No car problems, flat tires and such, no sun burns, no sickness... nothing went wrong. It was a relief.

Then I went to church. I didn't really want to go. I haven't really wanted to do anything lately, espescially involving other people. I have been getting really angry lately and mad for no reason at all. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I just felt like I failed, and I was just sitting and going no where. I wanted to overcome this, and I knew I that I would... but, I didn't really want to put any effort into getting out of my rut.

The guy that spoke on Wednesday night talked about fruit. I was pretty sure I know a lot about fruit. I know that I have heard it a hundred times. I know that I never take what I think I know and apply it to my life and change. I know I didn't want to be there learning that I need to get things together.

#1 So, picture a tree for me. A dead, brown, lifeless tree. This has been me lately. Not wanting to grow, not wanting to have any fruit.

#2 Picture a pretty green tree. Huge branches, beautiful leaves. This is me when I feed myself. This is me when I have things together. I'm growing and thriving. So, I thought what do I feed myself with? What makes me grow? I thought about spending time with God. Reading my Bible. Quite time to listen. I love God. I also love my Mom. How would she know that I loved her if I never told her? If I never talked to her? If I never spent time with her? I need to spiritually feed myself everyday in order to stay at this beautiful tree stage.

#3 Picture an amazing, beautiful, green tree. With lots of fruit. This tree has so much fruit that the fruit is just falling off onto everything. I have also been this tree. I was feeding myself and growing. I was producing fruit and I was happy. I wanted things that had nothing to do with me and my desires. I had a clear picture of the big picture, even though I had no idea how things were going to happen.

I don't want to go back and forth between the trees. I want to be fruitful. I never knew why I was feeling anger and all sorts of emotions that I never felt, but I knew that my fruit had died. My leaves had fallen, and my green was now brown. To call myself out was horrible. To own up to it was even worse. But, June 24th I was taught about fruit for the 100th time. On June 24th I put that teaching into action.

My advice for the day is this.. Own up to your mistakes. Forgive the ones who do you wrong.

Galations 5:22-23 [Fruit of the Spirit]

The Motions...

So, I've been holding onto this song as a soundtrack to my life right now. This song is so deep and so true to how I'm living life. I look back and almost everything I ask what if I have given everything? How would I be different? Would I have impacted someone's life? Where would I be now? Well, I'm trying to live better. I'm trying to do more. This song just completely puts into words how I feel.

The Motions: Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,At least I'll be feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life'

Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way
(take me all the way)
take me all the way
('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way
(I know I'm finally feeling something real)

I KNOW I'M FINALLY FEELING SOMETHING REAL- Katie

I wear your name on my heart...

So, I got a bracelet from my best friend yesterday.

She got it in my favorite color.
She had inscribed her name on a heart charm on the bracelet.
She put an amazing scripture on the back of that heart.
And.. She got her one just like it... with my name on her heart.


There is another little place that has the word "dream" on it. And honestly, I couldn't think of a better gift, or a better friend.

I had a best friend in high school. A few of them actually. There was this one amazing girl who I called my "best friend". We did almost everything together. Her birthday was a couple of days ago and I started to remember certain things that have gone on in our lives. I loved just hanging out with her. She was different then me, and we usually had our own adventures. I could be my complete self around her. Well, a tradegy happened and it destroyed things. I can never say I know how she felt, or I understood her pain... I can't. I had no clue how to deal with that situation. All I knew is that it broke my heart to see her in pain, and I would have done anything to make that pain go away for her. I loved her as if she had been a part of my family; a sister. I haven't had a real conversation with her for about 2 years now. When I see her I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I have missed her.

We went to college and have done our seperate things, and I can honestly say that we don't even know each other anymore.

After this, it was extremely hard for me to let people get as close to me as she had been. These walls have managed to stay up for a long time, and I was beginning to think that I would never have close friendships again.

But all of that changed. I know have a friend that loves me for who I am. We are complete opposites, but it just works out.. in the most amazing way.

I have great friends. And I sincerely thank God for each and every one of them.

New life, starting now...

I think it's about time for a new blog. I'm sorry that I have been selfish enough to deprive all of you guys... haha. Anyways, I don't think I could put in words how the last month or so has been. It's been trying, but great; Long, but so short. Oh, and nothing to contradict itself. I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately, and if you know anything about me, I love to be around people. It's been a time just to reflect on my life and decide to make better and different decisions. I know people always say that January is always a great time to start fresh, but it's so true. I moved home not too long ago, and as uncomfortable as it may have been, I know it was the right thing to do. I was scared and unsure of what was going to happen. Was I going to find a job? Was I going to like my new church..? and the scariest question of all was that was I going to have any friends here. Well it's been about two months since I left and everything seems to still be dragging along. I'm trying though. I had to go back to work at my old high school job. I've worked there for about 4 years of my life, and it was great to have work, but a huge part of me felt as if I was taking a trip back to my past. I can't believe how much I'm still living in my past.

What better time then this to start again.

and that's my advice.

Great love...

I doubt I can make it through this blog without crying...

I went to the nursing home yesterday to visit my grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and wasn't feeling too well yesterday. I really do not like nursing homes... at all. It's hard for me to just be there. I have seriously broken down right in the middle of the building, many times. I feel bad for my grandpa. I feel bad that he has lived a long life and that this horrible disease has consumed him. He is still the same person; he still has that cute smile... but he simply just forgets. He was really frustrated yesterday because he couldn't make out a complete sentence. It was very difficult to sit here and look at a man who has been there for me basically helpless. He can't do anything on his own, but yet he has always taken care of so many others. [Ok, this is where I start crying]

[p.s. Little Debbie... One thing I love you is your passion for Older people. You are amazing.]

My grandma is great. She is so funny sometimes. She is the stereotype of an older woman, with barely anything positive to say, but she loves me... She wakes up, runs a few errands and then goes to be with my grandpa. She just sits there until he goes to supper then she goes home. She hasn't been able to sleep in a bed for quite some time now. She just falls asleep in her recliner to the sound of the tv. I can't imagine what it must be like to fall asleep alone after so many years of having my grandfather next to her. I wonder what it's like to not have your man and protector around, and the roles switched.

I'm thinking about all of this while in my grandpa's room when I walk outside...

There was a husband visiting his wife and he had just brought her back from a day at the salon. She was in a wheelchair and unable to speak. He was gently rubbing her face and every single person that walked by he would softly say, "doesn't my wife look great? isn't she glorious?"

By this point, there is no way I can keep in my tears. He completely loves her, cherishes her... and keeps her. Even when their loves can not remember, see, walk, hear.... their love remains.

This is the greatest example of great love as I could write it. I can't wait for my great love to come... but I will wait.

Advice for the day: Don't settle for just anyone, hold out for your great love.

Little secrets of love...

Today I cleaned. I moved about 3 weeks ago back home, and today I was still unpacking. I have moved so much lately, and I can honestly say that I haven't stayed and slept at the same place for a week straight in probably 5-6 months. Not in the same bed for a week straight. I began to think as I was alone today. Am I running away from something? Am i scared to get too comfortable? What is going on... Do I really think that God calls me away when I really start to call somewhere home... All of these questions meshed well with my sorting and organizing. If you know me well enough you know that I can bored very quickly. As soon as I lose interest in something I leave. I thought about this quality of mine and tried to incorporate it with my staying problem. Is it the adventure that I love; the new places- new faces. Or is it that I'm scared.

After a while of thinking... silently. I remembered how great it felt to just be silent. s-i-l-e-n-t.

It then hit me how much I love to think about others. I love to help people, helping is something that just shows me I'm needed... I think that is something we all need... to be needed.
I love when people come to me to talk... I honestly love to just listen to people... give my advice if needed, but mainly just listen to them. I love to love people. It makes me feel complete inside... when I can love others.. and know that I am loved.

Then I came back to me... and there it hit me.

I hate to focus on myself... then my imperfections begin to show. There is so much of me that I need to fix, so much that I need to look at. Most of all, there is so many things that I need to repair. When something happens, I just leave the pieces there. And today those pieces started to poke me. I was uncomfortable going inside to look at these things. I realized how much easier it is for me to focus on others, to help others, to listen, and mostly to love them... then it is myself. Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way, and I do love myself. I would just rather love someone else sometimes...

I need to rest.. as my cute friend said.. and focus on me...
I need to find those "katie" things and make them stronger.

My advice today is go throughout the day and say good things that you like about yourself... Don't feel conceited, and especially do no feel like you aren't worth it. You ARE.

I'll go first.
I like my lips... [weird, but it's true]
I like that I'm tall...
I like that my eyes are green, and when I cry they turn the prettiest deep color.
I like my laugh... [when I can control it.. but what fun is that?]


Just tell yourself things... little secrets that you love about yourself. You're worth it.

Laugh today...

Sigh... Tonight was awesome.

I got to see my friend Jessica, and my CSF friends. I moved about 3 weeks ago, and it was a tearful goodbye... I haven't missed a weekend seeing them yet.. I just can't stay away. =)

I was so happy tonight. I wish I could capture this feeling and keep it. Like how some people can vegetables??? I could [can] this emotion, and open the mason jar when I needed to smile.

I also love a great text message... way too sweet.

This is just short and sweet I guess.

My advice for the day is simple- Laugh today. Not the little giggle, or forced laugh when someone tells a joke and you have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.. I'm talking about the real laughter... that physically hurts if you do it too much. Hang out with some friends, watch random youtube videos, make someone tickle you if you have too... [kinda awkward] But, whatever the case..

Just laugh.

Break from reality...

I'm pretty stressed out right now... I'm so excited for what has been going on, just stressed.. I don't get stressed out like most people... It rarely ever happens and I don't show it very well... I usually just shut down and it looks like I'm really calm, but inside... that's a different story. Right now my mind is like a hectic race track; so many thoughts [cars] going around, and around, and around...........

uhgg. ok.. 1...2....3...4.... b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Better..

I saw High School Musical 3 tonight... [Senior Year]...
I began to feel jealous of the characters. My high school years were nothing near a musical. After these feelings passed, I couldn't help but smile.. Sometimes in disbelief of.. oh.. here comes another song, but mostly, I smiled just because it felt good. It wasn't a high school filled with sex, passing drugs in the hallway, kids being bullied, popularity battles.. it was a school filled with song.. I would give up realistic high school anyday for the halls of East High... My 12 year old sister was grinning from ear to ear, any second about to break up into song... I hope she wasn't thinking that this was what high school was really like.. I wanted to tap her and say hey.. girl.. don't be happy.. this is lying to you. But, why break the fantasy. I was so troubled that we were acting happy about unrealistic life. And, I soon regretted this when we walked out of the theater, and started talking about bills, and car problems.. and the irritating bickering began... How much I wanted my life at the moment to be a musical.

So, my advice for today is obvious... take a break from reality.. chill out on the couch, and watch a fantasy.. musical.. something you know isn't real; but, with all of your heart, wished it was.

Smell of happiness...

I moved yesterday... To a place I used to call home... I seriously have no idea where that is right now.. home. My life is like a huge ride right now. I have no idea where I will be next, and I guess that's ok. God is changing so many things in my life right now, including me... I keep on asking when we I get settled somewhere, but I have a feeling that it might not be for a while. That makes me remember how I need to really focus on today instead of tomorrow or 2 years from now. How can I live for today, if all I think about is the future? Today is my first day here. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited... Those are all things that I really don't like to feel.. They make me feel like I'm not in control of my own life.. but then I remember that I'm not in control of my life at all.. I will keep everyone posted about what is happening.

I can't help but smile when I go outside. This is my absolute favorite time of the year. Me and my grandpa used to walk around during the falltime, and one year I can remember us walking and picking up our favorite leaves.. It's almost like I can still smell that day. I can still smell the leaves.

So, my advice for the day... Go outside.. and be silent.. And pick up your favorite leaf or two.. and keep it.. press it in a book.. and always remember that day; remember the smell of happiness.

Transition and transformation...

It's been a while since I have wrote a blog.. I know you guys are going to be THRILLED that I'm back.. So, this is just going to be around transition and transformation. My life is completely consumed of the two. Transition: when I say that word I immediately get a little freaked out. I think about my life, my choices, my lack of motivation... and get scared. When I get scared I freeze. I honestly can not move. As a child I was scared of everything... every single thing. Just to show you the extent of this fear: If I went to school and it rained I would have to go home, or call my mom. I was so scared that the rain would lead to a tornado and my family would die. I wanted to make sure I could say goodbye and that they were safe. All because of rain.. Little rain drops that I thought were going to kill my family. I was also scared to go for a walk or bike ride by myself.. I was scared that a random dog would attack me. [I was attacked as a child, so there is some justification for this one]... The list goes on and on.. Fear was in charge of my life. Being scared was always on my mind, and it blocked what I was trying to accomplish.

Today: I think about how far I have come in my life. The fact that I sing in front of people, or talk to strangers and feel comfortable, be on a greeting team, speak in public, ORDER FOOD from a restuarant... are all HUGE examples of how God has delivered me from fear. I'm still working on this.. and it has been so relieving. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I want God to direct my life.. not fear.

I love my friends.. they are constantly pulling me out of my shell, and out of this fear bubble that I have been living in. Thank you guys.. but take it easy on me =)

So, my advice for the day is: DO SOMETHING CRAZY; Dye your hair, get a tattoo, stay up late, go for a jog..

Hold on...

So, the entire month of September was one huge test for me. I struggled to hold onto anything that felt familiar to me. I was scared of change. I was scared to let go of things and to receive what God wanted to give me. I heard this song that really touched me the other day. The lyrics are beautiful as well as the melody. I finally feel like I'm seeing the fruit of change.. good change.

So my advice for the day is if you're needing a hand to hold..
Listen to Hold On by 33 Miles

Friends...

I really don't have anything to say.

Advice for the day:
Receive help from friends.

Living by a thread...

Still at home. I'm trying to figure out how I can change my life. What can change my life? What am I willing, and wanting to change? What are some things that I don't want to change? Do you ever feel like you can barely concentrate on anything because they are too many thoughts in your head; questions that just keep coming back? Well, I know I need a change. So, you might be noticing something maybe a little different about me. What that is, well even I don't know yet. Maybe I will begin to listen more. Maybe I will laugh more, even though I'm pretty sure I laugh enough for the both of us. I want to focus on others more than myself. I want to be so consumed but love and loving others that everything else is just a blur, instead of the other way around.


I want to live to the complete fullest... and right now I'm barely living.



Advice: Do something different today. Change something.

Put in a movie...

So, I finally got home around 11:00 p.m. I ate, put in a chick flick, cried a bit... ok well cried a lot, and relaxed. I'm home. I haven't been able to say that for a while. I am so emotional, and I always try to cover it up with a tough response or a fake reaction. It's about 2 in the morning and now I am going to go sleep in MY bed... and wake up around noon.

Like always, I have some advice. Put in a favorite movie... and cry. Call a friend you haven't talked to for a while... Surprise someone. Do something you love. LOVE

Go where you call home...

I left town Friday night. Me and Debs were stressed out and left. That seems to be my move when I get frustrated or upset. I leave. I have no idea what exactly I am stressed out about. My life seems to be like a crazy roller coaster, and one that I can't control. I think being in control feels so good right now. But lately, I have been realizing that I am hardly ever in that seat. Giving up total control, especially with my life, has been rough. I never know what's going to happen. It used to be exciting, like my life was one big adventure, but now I'm starting to freak out a bit.

So, I left town. I had a pretty peaceful Saturday and just chilled out. But, right when I got back, back into my life here.. I felt the familiar stress. Right when that happened I wanted to go home and be with my family. I didn't want to be an adult anymore. I wanted to run, flee, do anything but deal. So, tonight I have a birthday party to go to, and when that ends I'm going home. I can't wait either. I just need more time away.

So, my advice for the day is deal with your problems. Don't hide them for a while and then explode. But, when you find some free time in your life. Get away. Take a break. Go where you call home.

Roll down the windows...

So, I decided my blog would be total randomness. This week has been crazy. I feel like it was just Friday yesterday. Friday nights are awesome. I go to a college ministry and I love being there. It's great to feel comfortable, especially when I don't get that too often.

I'm leaving town tonight with my friend. It has been way too long since I have just left. I might as well take advantage of that now, before I have too many responsibilities. When I was younger I couldn't wait until I was older. 16, 18, 21.. It didn't matter to me as long as I could be old. What the heck was I thinking. I love being on my own, which actually surprises me. But, I regret hurrying everything. I'm 20, and I feel like my life has been one quick rush.

Turning 2o did something to me... It's weird and I can't describe it. I just see things differently. I don't necessarily think it came with age, I have just been avoiding things in my life. Especially growing up.

Ok, well here is my advice for the day..

It's the weekend. Relax. Spend time with the ones you love, and cherish that you have love in your life. Go for a drive. Roll down the windows, turn up the music.. and LIVE.

Fly the plane...

Life as I know it.. I was talking to my mom today and I said, "thanks for listening to my horrible life and my problems". Are you serious? Did that actually come out of my mouth. I have everything that I could ever need plus more. I take everything for granted. Will I ever be thankful? It has been a rough week, but I look around me and take in everything that's happening. My great friend, Jessica, has just been notified that her grandma has less than a week to live. Yet, I'm sitting here complaining about the dumbest things. My favorite Romanian is sitting with no parents, and yet has the biggest smile on her little face. 4,500 kids will die today from water related diseases.. today.. 4,500 kids. And I'm crying because no one needs me. Get over it. I know people need me, I just like to throw pity parties for myself. So called parties that I don't deserve.

Yesterday when me and Jess went to the hospital, this older man, probably 60ish started talking to me. He was at the hospital visiting his wife, and I wondered about his life story. Soon, he began to tell me. He had been all over the world. He was in the military and started a family and struggled to find work. He seemed just to love to have someone to listen, and I was grateful to be needed. He gave me great advice on life, and it made me just slow down for some reason. I looked at this man and listened to what he was saying. I was amazed to hear of his life, and of his trials. We began to talk about careers and I told him I won't be fulfilled to live an average life and work a 9-5 job. He followed that with a story. Right when he was released from the military he told me that he wanted to buy some land and a plane. He wanted to take the plane and just fly it all around his land. He had a family and he said he would be content with living simple. He would go out and get food and supplies when needed. But, he didn't. He went from job to job, and tried to make the best life he could for his family. I could tell he wondered what life would be like if he would have bought that plane.

I want to fly the plane. I want to live life to the absolute fullest. Every moment, I want it to be complete. My life is full of blessings, now I need to repay and bless.


Fly your plane. Live out your dreams. Don't regret.